I am a Melbourne based teacher and author.  My memoir describes the grief, distress, and eventual recovery of finding out that my husband of 21 years was gay. It was devastating at the start and it took several years to recover to the point where I could believe in myself.  Although my ex-husband and I are on amicable terms now, I understand that each person’s situation is unique, and this is not always possible. Here is an excerpt from the book…

  

I carefully and painstakingly read the first two lengthy paragraphs, which expressed his love for the kids and myself. He also wrote something about being sorry for his distance…. I kept reading, line after line, as my head started to hurt and a lump formed in my throat, freezing as my eyes were fixated on the same three words, ‘I am gay.’ ‘I am gay.’ ‘I am gay.’ 

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No, it could not be possible. Not at all possible! I must have read it wrong. It seemed like an eternity before I could read every single page, word by word, syllable by syllable, trying anxiously to decide whether this was an insensitive joke, a cryptic message or my worst nightmare. Everything seemed to be in slow motion. I had this mysterious letter in my hands, with Julian crying next to me, and it was as though time had stopped. My mind continued to race like a rewound video, with thoughts of all those years. I recalled the wedding, the birth of our children, and the future we had planned. 

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No one can prepare you for the shock, deceit, and disbelief that is brought on by this type of revelation. The support I received in this online group of amazing individuals ultimately helped in my recovery over time. 

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If you wish to purchase a copy of my memoir, contact me via Facebook here, or email me at jlazzo@optusnet.com.au

 I’ve been in Australia since 2002. I moved here from the UK after I got married - I’m a Pom and he’s Aussie. When we first met, I just assumed he was gay, but after some persuasion by him I accepted that he wasn’t, and we got together. At the time we were very similar in personality and used to laugh a lot and I really didn’t think much of it for the next couple of years. I just thought he was who he was.

 

After having two children together, we grew further and further apart and for a very long time I just figured you can’t have everything in life, so we have a lovely family, a great home, overseas trips…. And the balance was no sex or connection with him. I thought it was something I’d have to put up with. 

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Years later, suddenly I was presented with proof that he was sleeping with men. I confronted him and he denied it for various (shitty reasons) including : ‘this doesn’t count as cheating as I’m married to a woman, so cheating would have to be with women.’ Eventually he did confess that it had been happening for at least five years, but wouldn’t give me any more information. 

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We are divorced and financials are complete, we share care 50:50 of our kids who are now 11 and 13. In 2017 we sold the family home and I now have my own beautiful little house. We are very civil with each other and sometimes chat away like old times as long as we are talking about things to do with the kids. 

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I think he will never come out – some don’t know the full story and put the blame on me. On another level,  I feel it’s truly sad that he will never be the person he could be. It has taken me 4 years to get to the point of mostly not caring about him and his actions.

I was happily married for nearly 20 years with two wonderful children when I found out my husband was gay.  I was dumbstruck by this happening in my life, it felt like a Tsunami hitting me. I just couldn't believe it, we had a very active intimate life and we were very close and loving.

 

It was so hard as I loved him and he was my soulmate and friend, so I promised to stay in the marriage to see if we could make it work. Obviously it was going to be hard, but I wanted to try.

 

We did counselling for nearly 2 years, and all I asked for was fidelity but he couldn't achieve that. I realised that for me, the words "forsaking all others" said in our marriage vows meant just that to me. So we separated and are now divorced.

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At the time there was no support for the partners who had to deal with this trauma, and to this day, there is still very little help offered.

 

This period in my life was the most heartbreaking and soul-destroying thing to happen to me. I thought at times that I would actually die of a broken heart, but I survived. We do not talk or have any contact, because in over 12 yrs he has never taken responsibility for his actions and apologised. 

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I read once a quote that said "Who do you turn to when the only person in world that can stop you from crying, is the same person making you cry"

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I hope that the people you connect with via our site will become the ones you turn to when your crying.

My ex-husband and I had been married for 5 years when they first told me they are transgender. We tried to make our marriage work for a while but it didn’t and so we have now been separated for about 6 months. 

 

It has been one of the most challenging times of my life and I still have a lot of healing left to do. There have been ups and downs, but we are now trying to focus on being the best co-parents we can be to our 2-year-old. 

 

I support my ex-husband in embracing who they are. I guess it means there’s a lot more of my life that remains unwritten than I thought. For now, I think I’m just trying to be kind to myself and surround myself with people who help me to move forward, and hopefully I can be that for those around me too.